Category: Personal

my cell

I have used this verse from the Song of Songs (2:5) as my tagline on this blog for a couple of months:

He brought me to the banqueting house,
    and his intention toward me was love.

Today, I was reflecting on the monastic cell – the place where a religious “lives”. It is the place where God leads the individual and the intent of God is only love. And the intent of the religious is on God alone – their naked intent is for Jesus.

I find that thought really comforting – there is a place where I am alone with God and where God is all about love. A place God himself has “brought me”. A place of rest! A place of no hiding from God or myself.

risking it all

I have been reading Wisdom in Love: Kierkegaard and the Ancient Quest for Emotional Integrity by Rick Anthony Furtak. It has been on my list for a while and it was on special so I thought I might as well. I have been thinking about emotions a lot and this book really hits the spot on that topic.

So here is a quote from the Introduction:

One uncomfortable truth which emerges from this inquiry is that we cannot sustain the emotions that hold us together without accepting the risk of suffering the emotions that tear us apart.

All life involves risk! Maybe that is the fundamental problem with people today?! (Sorry, that is really judgemental and generalised.) Maybe that is the fundamental problem with me!? Life always involves risk because it always involves faith.

I did a quick google (as you do!) and found this article: Kierkegaard on the Psychology of a Risk Averse Society. It is worth a read.

So my point? I think we have become a society that likes to watch because we like to play it safe. It is much more fun watching someone else do the risky thing. More fun watching the “love story” or the “adventure movie” than loving or acting ourselves. But can we really grow (spiritually or emotionally) if we never risk? With the risk of being wrong can we ever really be right? Without the risk of hate can there ever really be love?

kindle my affections

Open, O Lord, my mouth to bless thy holy Name; cleanse also my heart from all vain, evil, and wandering thoughts; enlighten my understanding and kindle my affections; that I may worthily, attentively, and devoutly recite this office, and so be meet to be heard before the presence of thy divine Majesty. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

I have used the traditional prayer before the Office for many years. (Yes, I still use the more traditional language above because my mind is old and I cannot learn anything new.)

I have been thinking about “kindle my affections”. For many years I have tried, at all costs, to keep emotion out of my relationship with Jesus. But is it really a “relationship” without emotions? Yes, ordered affections! But not “no affections”. Part of my struggle with depression has been an unwillingness to see my feelings as real – I have feelings. I still need to learn to express them in the right way in the right context. But these feelings are not pre-defined for me by my context.

I have learned that I am not a robot – I have feelings and desires. And my relationship with Jesus is not about stopping those but ordering them to Jesus – “Jesus, I desire you alone!”. Holy tears are part of that discovery.

Jesus wants a human response to Him and that response must include feelings.

So …

I thought I should update on the “goings-on”, especially after I wrote about my anxieties in the previous post.

Of course, everything happened as it should. So I am now officially a member of the Anglican Church of Australia. And, of course, I feel completely different than I did before!!!!

I am not sure that external membership says anything about an individual. Maybe of a group that is socially unacceptable?! If I had joined the cricket club, would people think different of me? Would I be different?

With hindsight, I can see why I ended up here. I can even guess why God placed me here. But in the end, all I know is that I am here.

today?

So today I move from “wannabe Anglican” to a member of the Anglican Church of Australia. I guess I am really only becoming a member of the parish which is part of the Archdiocese of Melbourne. With the numerous lockdowns, this has been some time in coming. I am anxious about the physical side of things – getting there, setting up, meeting people. I am meeting a person, a bishop of the diocese, whom I have not met before. I have worn masks for so long I sometimes forget the real me.

This is the first religious decision I have made on my own. The previous ones have been made with a community (family) around me to support me. This one is me alone before God. So I am extremely anxious about it all. I guess I feel quite silly for doing this again. And I worry that this is yet another temporary fix for the problem that is “me”. I guess (lots of guessing) that, in the end, I belong nowhere. People will wake up to me and that will be the end of another chapter,

It is bringing up the same monologue that I struggled with earlier in the year. My counsellor calls it the “monster within”. To be honest, the “monster” has simply become not as loud but it is always there. The last two weeks have been full of instances where I feel like an “alien in this world”. I simply do not connect and, to be honest, do not have the energy to connect. Conversations have become exhausting and people are wearisome. I have become more aware of my own emotions and how I basically run on them. I love the people in my life but my darkside wonders if that is enough. (And whether loving Jesus is enough.)

Sorry, that is a very depressing post! I rejoice in the small glimpses of love I feel from others and from Jesus. But the monster simply double guesses everything and everybody. I am just going to try to not overthink today. Go with the flow. But I know that will be hard! Life is such a balancing act.

I am going to try to say the various offices in the car at their normal time. I am hoping that some rhythm to the day will help, And, of course, that the prayer itself will change me – bring light to the darkness.

naked intent

You only need a naked intent for God. When you long for him, that’s enough.

I have been reading The Cloud of Unknowing which I have not really read previously. I think there are books that I am aware exist and have some idea about their content but that I have never really read.

So two things: there is such a thing as really reading something. Slowly and with intent. Allowing the words to penetrate and feed your inward person. I know that is true with the Scriptures but it is also true with other literature. And the difference, between reading for information and reading to be fed, is in the intent. A relationship is much more than information and hits the very centre of what it means to be “me”. It is this centre that reads with intent.

Second: “a naked intent”! A longing for God in every aspect of my life. Putting time aside is very much part of it. But every moment of my day (and night) is a continual longing for God. My intent today is for Jesus.

I think I like The Cloud of Unknowing. It is simple in its language but deep in its ideas.

Jesus began to weep

When she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary, and told her privately, “The Teacher is here and is calling for you.” And when she heard it, she got up quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet come to the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. The Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary get up quickly and go out. They followed her because they thought that she was going to the tomb to weep there. When Mary came where Jesus was and saw him, she knelt at his feet and said to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. He said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus began to weep. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

John 11:28-37

Until very recently, I have never really understood (intellectually) what it means that Jesus wept. I guess I still do not understand it!? There is an awful lot of crying happening in the above text.

In weeping Jesus is truly human – the Incarnate Word is emotionally moved by the pain and suffering of others to tears. Something in his very core is moved, he has “compassion” for people. He truly suffers with individuals – he truly feels my pain and hurt.

I remember a preacher, when I was growing up, who used to cry during his sermons. I have often thought about that and dismissed it as “emotional manipulation”. But of all the preachers I have heard in my life, why do I remember that particular one?

I pray for the gift of tears! For my sins. But most of all: for the pure love that God is showing to me in Jesus. I am not sure any of that makes sense.

carthusian wisdom

I have been reading a book of devotions to the Sacred Heart written by Carthusians. Some of it is dated – and the language is a little old fashioned. But it is often filled with deep insight growing from solitude and silence. So here is the introduction to a Month with the Sacred Heart:

And, by the way, the devotions in this particular book often speak about “weeping” and “tears”. And, yes, I grew up in a culture that does not cry, especially for men, but I am starting to reconsider that from a spiritual point of view.

when?

I have had a late start today. Nothing in particular just struggled to get going. So I have said Morning Prayer later than usual. The reading was from Matthew 12 and ended with these verses:

I tell you, on the day of judgment you will have to give an account for every careless word you utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Matthew 12:36-37

At what point does silence become a vocation versus a form of escapism? When is it a psychological problem and when is it a calling from God? Sometimes, I think, it is extremely hard to tell. And if it is a personal preference, did God put it there for Him?

I read the Cloud of Unknowing yesterday and it repeats a simple theme:

This work is fundamentally a naked intent, none other than the single-minded intention of our spirit directed to God himself alone.

So can we speak of a general vocation that is worked out in a particular context? I desire Jesus alone and He calls me to solitude and silence? The context may change but the “desire” is always the same.

living with depression

I have not written on this subject for a little while. In fact, life is okay. I think I am learning to “live with it” rather than fight it. But today I found an image that I think describes what it feels like to me.

I am not much of a “gym-type person”. In fact … let’s not go there! So I was thinking that living with depression, for me, is like living on a “balance-ball”. Depression is not always about being sad – it is not always about feelings. The smallest thing, when the core strength is not there, can upset you and make you fall off. Sometimes life can seem pretty normal. But something insignificant comes along – a comment, a letter, a look – and life is out of balance and I am chasing myself.

Sometimes I am working so hard trying to stay on the ball that I cannot do anything else. I need all my energy simply to stand upright. Sometimes the ball is pretty flat and it is easier to stand – sometimes it is very full and it is hard to get any balance.

It is nice when I have people standing with me who help. It is nice to have people get me back on the ball when I fall off. But in the end, this is my life – even with medication and great counselling. Hopefully I can get some core strength!!!