This is my “goto” album when I am finding life hard. The longer songs, the emotional memory, the “sing-along” effect of the album all add to its significance. It was the first album I ever purchased as a very young boy and it has stayed with me most of my life.
I have often wondered who I wish were here?! I have no answer. But when I listen and close my eyes I am taken somewhere else for a few moments. And that is why I like the album.
I have two Merton quotes about silence I have been thinking about. Silence has been my solas for two weeks. While I have felt much more balanced and in control, I wonder if it is due to the periods of silence I have enjoyed.
In so many ways, I think, Jesus is an experience rather (God forbid) a doctrine, teaching, or idea. I think the same can be said of our meeting with other people – in the silence of presence they become an experience and not an object to be used or manipulated.
I think I like this one more for the insight – silence is necessary to understanding. We are often (yes, I!) more willing to make noise than stand in the silence.
In the book I am enjoying the anchoress (sic) is asked by a visitor, “Are you lonely?”. Of course she answers is a resounding “no”. I have been thinking about that answer.
I think it is natural to feel lonely at times. That is only human. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes. I admit very rarely in the last year or so. But the point of the anchorite or solitary life is that “loneliness” is given new meaning in Jesus. And that is the point – Jesus does not change the way I feel but he changes what it means to me.
Today is a public holiday. It changes very little in my day. So I am just trying to be me in the presence of Jesus.
I have not shared any music lately. To be honest, I have struggled to get through the day and music has been background noise at best. I have not been connecting to anything or anyone in the last couple of weeks.
I especially this:
The more I’m leaning
The more I’m flying
Feels less like dying
More like living for Heaven on Earth
Today we had our first Lenten Prayer Group. We have had an ongoing online Prayer Group for some time but this was the first at church.
I decided I was going to try to “be still”. It is really hard. The exterior silence is one thing but the interior a completely different thing. I found a comfortable sitting position, finally worked out what to do with my hands, and just sat there. I think it is the first time I have sat still for nearly an hour.
The exterior is a skill but so is the interior. Allowing God to speak. Being attentive to Jesus in the silence. Letting my mind drift but then pulling it back to the centre. I think this is a skill I would like to work on.
More and more I have enjoyed alone time. So much so that I am enjoying time with people more. No pressure to preform, to know all the answers, to see the way ahead. And, for the first time in my life, I do not mind “me” – ok person, a little hard to get along with, but not too bad.
I have been thinking about Lent – what to do this year? In my lifetime I think I have done all the traditional things: caffeine, alcohol, TV, music, soft drink, etc. And I do not want to give something up just for the “show of it” and then return to normal after Easter.
I have also been thinking about why I have been unable to maintain relationships in my life. I have many fallen friends with whom I am no longer in contact. My life is a field of broken relationships.
I think for Lent this year, I am going to self-censor. I am going to speak only when spoken to and then will speak only upbuilding things. Especially online – ok, I see the irony. Also, I am going to try to listen more (and read more which is my primary form of listening).
Anyway, happy Lent to you all!
The formula that describes the state of the self when despair is completely rooted out is this: in relating itself to itself and in willing to be itself, the self rests transparently in the power that established it.
Sickness unto Death
So Lent starts tomorrow. I have been thinking about it a lot in the last couple of days. Not because I have huge plans but rather I have been wondering what it means to me. Why bother with Lent?
I think the issues I have raised before – living in the past or anticipation of the future – are real issues in my spiritual life. So I am not surprised that they would come to mind when I think about Lent. But Lent cannot be about my past sins or my future reward! It must be about my relationship with Jesus now. So should I give up on Lenten disciplines? No! But I am going to look at them from a different angle.
Living for Jesus now! Sometimes I overbalance one way, sometimes another. Lent is a season for balance: to see what things draw me away from my centre. Or, to put it in a slightly Kierkegaardian fashion, what is stopping me from becoming a self – to become transparent before God.
So this Lent is about balance. It is also about prayer and silence. And it is about reading and sharing.
The self is a relation that relates itself to itself or is the relation’s relating itself to itself in the relation; the self is not the relation but is the relation’s relating itself to itself. A human being is a synthesis of the infinite and the finite, of the temporal and the eternal, of freedom and necessity, in short, a synthesis. A synthesis is a relation between two. Considered in this way, a human being is still not a self
Sickness unto Death, Hong 13
I think that is one of the first Kierkegaard quotes I ever read. Looking back now at how confused I was – still am – about what he means makes me wonder if I have progressed at all.
I have been thinking about Lent, the “religious life”, and being a self. They are all about “balance”. Finding a balance between the various forces that pull and push. Finding balance with those things that I have control over. Asceticism, in the traditional sense, is about finding balance in the physical world to focus exclusively on Jesus.
Anyway, not to find a definition of “religious life” that suits me!
The terms Hermit and Solitary are often used interchangeably but for the purposes of the Handbook, the term ‘hermit’ refers to a member of a Religious Community and the term ‘solitary’ refers to one who is not a Religious.
A Handbook of the Religious Life, The Advisory Council for Religious Communities
So … the above is from the Church of Englabnd document, and there is an Australian version that is not as clear, indicating that people living a “vow of celibacy” can do so under a religious rule (hermit) or under a personal rule (solitary).
I think the term religious can be confusing. In a sense (but who am I to say this) the solitary is the modern form of an anchorite – a celibate/single layperson living alone under a rule. And that is how I use the term anchorite – a single layperson living under a personal rule inspired by the lived example of anchorites.
I have been thinking about the above a lot recently. Am I called to such a life? Especially with a few things that are going on in my life, am I called by God to embody a religious incognito type of spirituality within the context of a modern parish?
So here is a completely random idea: what if we were to stop talking about knowing the truth and start talking about loving the truth? Or, to put it in Christian terms, what if we were to stop talking about knowing Jesus and start talking about loving Jesus?
While I kinda understand the idea of knowing something, I think it has been drawn into a direction that is not helpful for our relationship with Jesus. It makes the relationship all about our head and then our heart. Let’s turn that around and make it about the heart exclusively. Let’s make it a human relationship rather than an intellectual.
I want to write about this more but I think this is a start!
