an absurd monk

via negationis

I wanted to share this series of post as I think they are really interesting: Existentialism and Christianity (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). One little quote from The Totalitarianism of “Reason” (Part 3):

Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard was a dissenter from the new totalitarianism of “reason” and the gnosticism of Enlightenment philosophy. For him, as for the ancient Christian mystics, God was grasped intuitively, by a love that is beyond mere reason, since caritas is greater than even the greatest human knowledge. Such a view is redolent of the “cloud of unknowing” or the via negationis – the doctrine of divine simplicity espoused by the medieval theologian, Thomas Aquinas. According to this “eliminative method” one can define God by what he is not, since it is so difficult for us to truly appreciate what he is.

One of the things I have learned from existentialism (read: Kierkegaard) is that every person carries their story into everything they do and say. We each have an individual view of everything but it is always nice when one story meets another. The author is maybe a Roman Catholic and hence the return to Aquinas.

I like the opening: Kierkegaard stands solidly within the mystical tradition of Christianity. Maybe even the neo-Platonism of Augustine and Anselm! But, as with all modern philosophers of note, he takes it one step further – he speaks to a modern context. And to make the point: Kierkegaard is not an existentialist as he both predates it and is solidly a writer within the Christian tradition. Kierkegaard is not part of any school of thought and that is why he is so interesting – he is the “single individual” of philosophy.

But I have gotten off-topic. David R. Law has written a number of books on Kierkegaard as a negative theologian and kenotic Christology. Law’s article on the Chirstology of Practice in Christianity is a very interesting read. I think Kierkegaard’s Christology, “who is Jesus for Søren?”, would be a very interesting topic to explore especially in light of his later writings, that is, the Communion Discourses. Also how pietism played a role in Kierkegaard’s thought.

Anyway, just wanted to share the quote.

King of Kings

Just some of the lyrics that really struck me this morning:

In the darkness we were waiting
Without hope, without light
‘Til from Heaven You came running
There was mercy in Your eyes
… In His freedom I am free
For the love of Jesus Christ
Who has resurrected me.

no cure for life

After writing the last post I was thinking about life and this quote from The Sopranos came to mind. Tony is maybe not the greatest moral example. Yet the series does show a person trying to be “real” in an extraordinary context. And it is seriously funny in parts! Yes, there is no cure for life.

All of that reminded me of another quote that is often ascribed to Kierkegaard but more likely to be a slightly reworded version of a quote by Jacobus Johannes Leeuw:

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

To live in the moment with Jesus – that is as much as I can hope for now. Maybe that sounds a little defeatist? Allow life to unfold, allow God to love, and simply to experience that reality. Allow myself to experience Jesus in the present. Surrender control, surrender myself, and “abide” in Jesus.

jittery

I have been feeling really jittery. I have tried all the normal things but nothing is working. I guess it is just life that makes me like this. My anxiety has increased over the last couple of days and I am wondering if I am on the way down in my darkness cycle.

I remember hearing a sermon on “anxiety” once. The preacher defined anxiety has having a “big fear” and offered an answer – “put it all on the Lord”. I often think back on that sermon. My experience of anxiety has been anything but a “big fear”. Fear is focused on an object. My experience of anxiety is more of an unfocused foreboding – something bad is always just around the corner. And then the overthinking starts – the spiral down. “What will I do?”, “Who can help me?”, “What will other people think?” I know (with my head) that it is just my anxiety speaking but often my heart does not follow. There is a debate happening inside me and it is really draining. It takes all my energy just to do the normal things in my day without any room for doing extra. And then I feel guilty for not doing extra and the spiral moved down.

My psychologist says that anxiety left untreated will develop into depression. I often wonder if the darkness brings my anxiety or my anxiety my darkness. Either way I know they are life-partners!

I have found this Instagram page very helpful. It often says the things that I am feeling or just brings words of encouragement. I know I have to learn to be honest with people I trust (which is a very small group). And to reach out when I am not well – when I see the signs. I simply do not want to be a burden to anyone.

So I have a couple of things to do today – and a few that I have already done. I am putting my faith in the rhyme that I have established in my life to carry me to tomorrow. And then start again!

I pray you have a Jesus filled day!

abide in me

This week’s text for our online Bible Study is John 15:1-8, “I am the vine”. So here is the text:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower. He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit. You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing. Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.
John 15:1-8

Another day …

… another anxiety attack.

I had a dream last night that made me quite anxious. It is not unusual for me. There are lots of things going on in my head at the moment and I am trying to put them in some order. Change is on the way but I am not sure I am ready for it.

I am trying to hide in some creative work. I am doing some planning and writing for the Bible Study. Also some research on social media platforms for a report I am trying to write. But sometimes I feel like Indiana Jones – barely holding on before life catches up.

Hope you have a Jesus-filled day!

what does that mean?

The more time I spent alone – in solitary – the harder I find it to understand people. I think Napoleon is on-point. Maybe it is just the way my mind works? Or maybe I read too much? Or maybe I am simply weird?

Is it just me or do you find it sometimes hard to get people’s meaning?

Neither do I

This morning the reading at Morning Prayer was from John’s gospel. I was struck by Jesus’ attitude – something this is most unlike some modern people and most unlike what most modern people think of Jesus.

Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”
John 8:10-11

“Neither do I condemn you.” Love people where they are at not where you want them to be. And let God sort everything out in the end. My relationship with Jesus expresses itself in obedience but obedience is not my relationship with Jesus.

I pray you have a Jesus-filled Sunday.

saturday …

I have not written about my depression as much in the last couple of weeks. I have felt more balanced. Easter was a horror show for me this year – I was so much in the darkness I could hardly get out of bed. But since then I have found some balance, some purpose, and some direction. The pressure I place on myself has lessened and I am more kind with myself. I am so thankful for the people who have stood by me when I was so sick.

So today is Saturday – the day of preparation. I am working on the Bible Study for Tuesday night and on tomorrow’s service slides and video. It is pretty much what I do most Saturdays now. I am very happy doing it, drinking tea, and listening to 80s music. I find that often the Bible Study is more about me than the people who come along. I try to listen to God, to listen with the heart, and hear what He is saying to me. I do not think I am particularly insightful, nor smart, and I often think I am simply stating the obvious. But I know I have changed by doing the online studies!

I wish I had something insightful to say but that is about it. I hope I can go for a walk this afternoon but it is very cold and wet. And, to be honest, I am a little sick of walking. But I know it is good for me and it improves my mood and my overall health. I am not going to gym!!! So walking is about the only other thing I can do without involving other people.

Hope you have a blessed day!

being ordinary

I have been looking for this quote for a couple of days. I knew it was in one of the seven volumes of journals. So today I looked at my physical copy and found it:

Like climbing down from a mountain or a pillar and starting all over again to behave as a human being – I need solitude for the true fulfillment which I seek – that of being ordinary.
A Search for Solitude, 27

I have always liked that Merton joins two things that are important to me: solitude and being ordinary. And I completely identify with Merton on this point. I need some space to be me, nothing special or extraordinary just simply me. In a world full of noise where everyone is trying to outdo everyone else, in which everyone is trying to be extraordinary, it is nice to just be plain simple me. And for that I need solitude – space and time without noise. Not the absence of sound but rather the detachment from this world. To transcend myself by being the person I was made to be. Nothing more, nothing less.