Category: Personal

I feel very overwhelmed. I am facing a hurdle that is not of my making but for which I feel responsible. The very thought of it brings me to tears. I am trying to not engage with the overthinking, trying to let it pass through me, but it is harder than normal this morning. My counsellor helped me yesterday but I feel like I have regressed in regard to my anxiety and depression. I know what I should be doing (in my head) but my heart just does not agree and is actually holding me back.

I have tried this journey on my own for almost 50 years. I have “toughed out” the darkness and just kept going. I have lived with the anxiety and have just hidden the screaming voice inside of me. I have worn a mask that has been handed to me by other people. A mask I convinced myself was the right thing to do, the Godly thing to wear.

So someone sent me the above song this morning. I am extremely thankful for the people God has placed in my life: some by blood, and some by a common faith and Lord. I still feel the disappointment of past failures and I really like to overthink those and what they say about me. But God speaks through people! People that draw me back to Jesus and to His community. People that literally hold my hand when it gets difficult and dark.

Today I am hoping to go for a walk, maybe record a podcast, and finish The Young Pope. And have a nice cup of tea. I am hoping to get some time to pray and just sit silently in God’s presence. And in the silence to hear God speak to me rather than listening to the voices that hold me back.

I hope you have a Jesus filled day!

I have been watching The Young Pope. I am watching it in the hope of getting to The New Pope.

I admit it makes me laugh – the grandioseness of Pope Pius XIII and his view of religion. There is a sense of absurdity about Pope Pius XIII. And also a very deep sadness and confusion. This scene, I think, represents best what I mean:

The whole is a little like Kierkegaard’s Abraham in Fear and Trembling. The question of the nature of faith, and the nature of a calling from God, is very much at the front of many conversations in the show.

And I found someone who agrees with me, Kierkegaard’s Pope! This quote puts it well:

The Knight of Faith transcends the universal for the prison of the particular.

All of this has made me look at Fear and Trembling again. As with all Kierkegaard’s books, it is not easy or straight forward. There is always a sense that one needs a decoder ring along with any Kierkegaard book. I am far from the person to guide another through Kierkegaard. The simple act of reading a book can change a person and I think that is the aim that I read Kierkegaard – the very act makes me someone different.

So I thought I would share some quotes from Fear and Trembling. I like the Cambridge Texts in History of Philosophy edition so all the quotes are from that edition:

Faith is exactly this paradox, that the single individual is higher than the universal, but in such a way, mind you, that the movement is repeated, so that after having been in the universal he now as the particular keeps to himself as higher than the universal.

Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling (Cambridge Texts in the History of Philosophy), 47.

For the movement of faith must constantly be made by virtue of the absurd, yet in such a way, mind you, that one does not lose the finite but gains it entire.

Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling (Cambridge Texts in the History of Philosophy), 31.

I think myself into the hero; I cannot think myself into Abraham.

Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling (Cambridge Texts in the History of Philosophy), 27

The tragic hero resigns [themlseves] in order to express the universal; the knight of faith resigns the universal in order to become the single individual.

Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling (Cambridge Texts in the History of Philosophy), 66

Just some of the lyrics that really struck me this morning:

In the darkness we were waiting
Without hope, without light
‘Til from Heaven You came running
There was mercy in Your eyes
… In His freedom I am free
For the love of Jesus Christ
Who has resurrected me.

I have been feeling really jittery. I have tried all the normal things but nothing is working. I guess it is just life that makes me like this. My anxiety has increased over the last couple of days and I am wondering if I am on the way down in my darkness cycle.

I remember hearing a sermon on “anxiety” once. The preacher defined anxiety has having a “big fear” and offered an answer – “put it all on the Lord”. I often think back on that sermon. My experience of anxiety has been anything but a “big fear”. Fear is focused on an object. My experience of anxiety is more of an unfocused foreboding – something bad is always just around the corner. And then the overthinking starts – the spiral down. “What will I do?”, “Who can help me?”, “What will other people think?” I know (with my head) that it is just my anxiety speaking but often my heart does not follow. There is a debate happening inside me and it is really draining. It takes all my energy just to do the normal things in my day without any room for doing extra. And then I feel guilty for not doing extra and the spiral moved down.

My psychologist says that anxiety left untreated will develop into depression. I often wonder if the darkness brings my anxiety or my anxiety my darkness. Either way I know they are life-partners!

I have found this Instagram page very helpful. It often says the things that I am feeling or just brings words of encouragement. I know I have to learn to be honest with people I trust (which is a very small group). And to reach out when I am not well – when I see the signs. I simply do not want to be a burden to anyone.

So I have a couple of things to do today – and a few that I have already done. I am putting my faith in the rhyme that I have established in my life to carry me to tomorrow. And then start again!

I pray you have a Jesus filled day!

This week’s text for our online Bible Study is John 15:1-8, “I am the vine”. So here is the text:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower. He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit. You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing. Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.

John 15:1-8

… another anxiety attack.

I had a dream last night that made me quite anxious. It is not unusual for me. There are lots of things going on in my head at the moment and I am trying to put them in some order. Change is on the way but I am not sure I am ready for it.

I am trying to hide in some creative work. I am doing some planning and writing for the Bible Study. Also some research on social media platforms for a report I am trying to write. But sometimes I feel like Indiana Jones – barely holding on before life catches up.

Hope you have a Jesus-filled day!

The more time I spent alone – in solitary – the harder I find it to understand people. I think Napoleon is on-point. Maybe it is just the way my mind works? Or maybe I read too much? Or maybe I am simply weird?

Is it just me or do you find it sometimes hard to get people’s meaning?

This morning the reading at Morning Prayer was from John’s gospel. I was struck by Jesus’ attitude – something this is most unlike some modern people and most unlike what most modern people think of Jesus.

Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”

John 8:10-11

“Neither do I condemn you.” Love people where they are at not where you want them to be. And let God sort everything out in the end. My relationship with Jesus expresses itself in obedience but obedience is not my relationship with Jesus.

I pray you have a Jesus-filled Sunday.

I have not written about my depression as much in the last couple of weeks. I have felt more balanced. Easter was a horror show for me this year – I was so much in the darkness I could hardly get out of bed. But since then I have found some balance, some purpose, and some direction. The pressure I place on myself has lessened and I am more kind with myself. I am so thankful for the people who have stood by me when I was so sick.

So today is Saturday – the day of preparation. I am working on the Bible Study for Tuesday night and on tomorrow’s service slides and video. It is pretty much what I do most Saturdays now. I am very happy doing it, drinking tea, and listening to 80s music. I find that often the Bible Study is more about me than the people who come along. I try to listen to God, to listen with the heart, and hear what He is saying to me. I do not think I am particularly insightful, nor smart, and I often think I am simply stating the obvious. But I know I have changed by doing the online studies!

I wish I had something insightful to say but that is about it. I hope I can go for a walk this afternoon but it is very cold and wet. And, to be honest, I am a little sick of walking. But I know it is good for me and it improves my mood and my overall health. I am not going to gym!!! So walking is about the only other thing I can do without involving other people.

Hope you have a blessed day!

I have been looking for this quote for a couple of days. I knew it was in one of the seven volumes of journals. So today I looked at my physical copy and found it:

Like climbing down from a mountain or a pillar and starting all over again to behave as a human being – I need solitude for the true fulfillment which I seek – that of being ordinary.

A Search for Solitude, 27

I have always liked that Merton joins two things that are important to me: solitude and being ordinary. And I completely identify with Merton on this point. I need some space to be me, nothing special or extraordinary just simply me. In a world full of noise where everyone is trying to outdo everyone else, in which everyone is trying to be extraordinary, it is nice to just be plain simple me. And for that I need solitude – space and time without noise. Not the absence of sound but rather the detachment from this world. To transcend myself by being the person I was made to be. Nothing more, nothing less.