Category: Personal

why are you here?

Yesterday, at church, our vicar asked a number of questions during the sermon. And, unlike more traditional one-way sermons, we got to answer. One of the questions was, “why are you here?”.

I have been thinking about that question. And the answers that people gave. Sometimes, I think, we confuse the “sign” with the “object that it is pointing to”. Or, in Thomas Merton’s language, “we look at the finger and miss the moon”. We argue about liturgy and hymns, about buildings. Yet in the end these are not what Christianity is about. Christianity is not a moral code that I must follow to be accepted by God. Experience shows me that there is an unbridgeable gap between God and me. Only in God’s action of love can that gap be bridged. So only in God’s action towards me can I have a relationship with Him.

So, why am I here (at church)? Because of Jesus. And only Jesus. I like the more traditional signs – liturgy, vestments, buildings – but only Jesus saves. Only in Jesus is life. Only in Jesus is hope. All the others have just signs to the reality that God has reached out to me in the man Jesus. I meet and experience Jesus in a particular way in the community that is gather in His name. He speaks to me and meets me personally. But in the end it is all about Him and Him alone.

Anyway …

rituals

My Sunday morning ritual includes getting a cup of tea on the way to church. I have switched to herbal tea so mint or peppermint are my favourite.

Today we are watching The Chosen after church. I am looking forward to seeing it again and on the big screen. I pray that it will be bonding experience for the parish – gathered around Jesus!

I pray you have a Jesus filled Sunday!!!

prayer and self-knowledge

I have a nice day ahead. I am seeing my counsellor and meeting family.

I am a little anxious about the family meet-up but with prayer and self-knowledge I think it will be very nice. The insights I have gained over the last three month make a major difference in my day-to-day life. They give context, background, depth. I have the experience of living through it and coming out the other side.

And I have learned to pray! I have prayed all my life but only recently have I prayed. I have stopped telling God what to do and am simply open to God. I have stopped escaping into form or ritual and have simply used silence and solitude. The moment of silence is worth more than hours of chanted liturgy.

So I face today with prayer and self-knowledge.

streaking

WordPress tells me that I am on a 45 day streak in posting. So I am posting to keep this streak going.

In fact that the streak is the only reason is really good news. My life has balance. I have received three items of very good news this week. And I feel like my waiting in love has been very much worth it – that sounds horrible but I hope you understand what I mean.

The self-awareness I have gained over the last three months has been a great blessing to me. I am so thankful for all the people I have met that have supported me – sometimes without even knowing their support has been so central. The people who have prayed! Life will still be rocky and difficult. But I was very unsure whether I would emotionally survive this week.

So my anxiety says, “just wait”. But I now know who is speaking and why my anxiety says the things it says. And, yes, there will be challenges. I will face these when they come but I do not need to spend energy now planning and worrying. I will simply try to live my life of solitude, simplicity, and service. I will simply try to live now with Jesus and for others.

So … 46 day streak!!! Nothing much to report. Praise Jesus!!!

Ascension Day

Today is the Festival of the Ascension of Our Lord, Ascension Day, or the Solemnity of the Ascension of the Lord. APBA has the following for the gospel reading for Year B:

And [Jesus] said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the good news to the whole creation. The one who believes and is baptized will be saved; but the one who does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: by using my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes in their hands, and if they drink any deadly thing, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.”

So then the Lord Jesus, after he had spoken to them, was taken up into heaven and sat down at the right hand of God. And they went out and proclaimed the good news everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by the signs that accompanied it.

Mark 16:15-20

Theologically the Ascension is difficult. Does Jesus lay aside His humanity at the Ascension or does He take it to the right hand of the Father with Him? I have no answers. But I, for one, think Jesus is still active and present in some form today. And He still works “for me” today.

The Ascension is the first occasion I remember preaching. I think it was for a small devotional group. I remember telling a story – a story which, alas, overpowered. People remembered the story but not the point I was making. So much so that I cannot recall the point but I remember telling the story.

So Blessed Ascension Day to you!!! May you have a Jesus filled day!!!

I am a passenger

God uses people for the good of others. That is love. He uses them not in a negative way but puts people in your life that He uses for your good. God has placed people into my life for my good.

I have an extremely stressful and anxious day ahead. A day in which I am completely powerless – I am a passenger. But yesterday I spoke with a person involved and I am not nearly as stressed as I thought I would be. This person, without being involved previously and with little information, sees the situation the same way that my support people have been telling me. I trust them but my anxiety often talks very loudly. And my support people have been extremely supportive with a rather strange conference call. I know it is the anxiety and depression talking but I cannot shake, at the moment, the feeling that I am a burden and pain to people.

I have things to do today – I have yet to even start the Bible Study and that is tonight. I have been putting it off because my anxiety has been running riot. But I have learned how to manage it and how to live with it rather than against it. I am looking forward to the study and being useful.

This is the beginning of a very painful end. An end that I have yet to face fully – an end in which I am emotionally invested. An end that I do not desire and in which I have had no say. I am a passenger. So I am seeing it in a positive way – today is the start of a new life. A life that will look somewhat different than I had assumed. A life that is yet to be fully realised. A life into which I carry many scares and pains. But Jesus carries my scares, and my pain, on the cross for me. And that is the point I am starting from.

praying …

One of the things I love about being Anglican is the tradition of prayer. Yes, all Christians pray – or should, at least. And praying the Canonical Hours is not an Anglican only thing. Catholics have the Liturgy of the Hours and the Orthodox have their version. I think what sets Anglicans apart is the tradition of praying together. I like the tradition of daily morning and evening prayer as a community activity. Anglicanism is priest and people gathered around Jesus to pray every morning and evening.

While the ideal of a congregation at prayer is somewhat removed from the modern context, I like praying using a book other people are using. I like the community that uses the same Prayer Book as me. I like that I am united to my priest and clergy at my parish through the Prayer Book. And I like that while I am alone – and, let’s face it, I like being alone when I pray – I am with people around Jesus.

So as I pray today, I pray for you. The people who read this blog and the people in my life who support me. And the people who do not support me but that I pray for anyway. That Jesus’ love may strengthen you in faith, and that your heart may be open to Him.

a small update

I write personal things in very general terms. I am a private person by nature and do not feel comfortable sharing too much about myself. The sessions I have had with the counsellor have been eye-opening – to express some of my inner ideas and thoughts and not be rejected or ridiculed. And to express feelings without being censured or censuring myself. All of that has been extremely liberating!

One of the major thoughts that I struggle with is that I have let everyone down. That I am a disappointment for everyone. I have feelings of never being enough for people, always being just a stop-gap until they find someone better. And my recent history has only made that even more real for me.

So I just wanted to say that the next two days are going to be extremely stressful. Maybe the absolute worst of my life?! I am hoping that my anxiety will not rule my mind and I can get through it all. I have done one thing today that needed to be done. I am counting that as a victory. But tomorrow will be a nightmare. Then another one the day after.

I am listening to some music I like and I am going to pray. I know God is in control and this is working for my good – it is God’s love that is at work in me. I know I am not alone, surrounded not just by a cloud of witnesses but by faithful friends who always point me to Jesus. But from the inside it looks like a nightmare that is sent to punish me.

So, if you are so inclined, could you pray for me?!